Oh, Maria.

A lot of people ask me about my name, Goretti. It’s my first name, not my last name— although it is a common Italian surname. As a child, my mom claimed I was named after an archangel, like Gabriel, but there is no archangel Goretti. There is, however, a Saint Maria Goretti: patron of youth, young women, purity, and victims of rape.*

Nice. No wonder she lied.

To read up on her bloody saint story, go here.

*I am pretty sure I was named after an ex-girlfriend. If you ask my mom, she will deny this—but I swear she confessed this to me once when I was of legal age.